Current Mood: thankful
“if only I could make a deal with god … to change places…”
at 3 in the morning, Boo heads off, silently, into the night. She’s off to do the ‘oh hell that’s an early flight you have’ run with Mel to get Alex’s friend Kimya at the airport. The Charlotte airport. They’ll be back, they’ll all be tired, and Alex will know he’s loved by the actions of his friends.
The tune I’m playing has a good ‘dark mood’ feeling to it.
“current mood’ – well, I’m gonna publish ‘thankful’ …
“you don’t want to hurt me – to see how deep the bullet lies”
I spy into the lives of people with the power of the intertubes, and come away with the advice “be kind to yourself and hug your baby bear tight!” – is it … ok? hell, is it the point? to find strangers who have words to help you … Be Kind To Yourself …
Our friend Alex is dying, and I don’t want him to go yet.
“there’s a thunder in our hearts … so we chafe for the ones we love … tell me we both matter, don’t we?”
so I sit in the dark, blinded by the blare of the interconnected web, the whole fucking world at my fingertips, and play sad and hopeful music, wishing to feel … and to keep feeling, and wanting to be happy, but only leak with no power to stop.
“the world it won’t wait for you .. the sky has things to do .. the sun has to rise and drive another night away … and as I listen to the silence , I can hear thunder in the distance……………………….. … .. .
Peter lived. John lived. Mom lived. Alex lives … they all have a brightness to them, and I fear my staid dullness is wrong …
why do I hold back? where’s my focus?
this is gonna suck. no way around that. suck suck suck … but at least I know there’s no right or wrong, just suck.
“Be kind to yourself and hug your baby bear tight” – good advice melanie sage. good advice.
‘baby I’ve been here before … i used to live alone before I knew ya … love is not a victory march… hallelujah”
I … I listen for words to help my brain stop spinning … I find comfort in the voices that say words that often hurt. Do I ever say words to help those who are close? do I ‘love the shit out of them’??
blue rests on the floor behind me as I upchuck on the unconscious world, the birds incorrectly chirp as the sun is still hours away, and I play Gary Jules’ version of ‘Mad World’, which has brought Boo to tears before. I’d ask ‘what’s wrong with me?’ – but I know, nothing. nothing at all.
so, I do hope you all might take this pointless drivel and think ‘hey – I need to say ‘hey’ to my friend I haven’t said ‘hey’ to in a while …” then go do it.
Hey Alex, see you later, ok?
~ S ~ || dona nobis pacem ||