at 9:29 on a saturday morning … looking out my window in my dining room, feeling the chilly outdoor air curl around my toes as I walk back from letting Blue run out on the back deck, things seem pretty damn ok. Good even.
Poking my head in on my love, her snifflies making me want to be able to create a tea that cleans and refreshes the sini, I’m happy.
The sun’s warm glow bounces off the wood floors, filling the front room with light, creating a bright cocoon in the dining room where I peck at the keyboard trying to capture a feeling – oh the crazy paths we weave.
warm, bright, happy, content, loved.
all very good words, very good place to be.
How do I remember this, how do I recall this when I wander down a darkened, angrier path? How do you keep the sun in your heart? Why does the sun make the lifting seem effortless? Why are they called ‘peeps’?
It’s been a tough year or 3, if I’m gonna be honest – and if I can honestly share the great good happy I’m feeling, why can’t I share the crap I’ve felt (and fear has become my ‘typical’?) – oh, that’s right, because being able to doesn’t mean I should. Or some such…
On a sunny saturday filled with hope and possibility, over by the edge of the shadows, on the other side of the maple tree in the yard right there, is prehaps a pile of shit. yeah, I’m looking at you, cancer. Fuck you. Shayne’s gonna fight, just like Alex fought. Hope Bear looks up ma, cause they’re from that same class of people, people WITH class, not the ones I wish I could stab in the eyes as I wait patiently (ha ha ha) for a seat at Cheesecake Factory in Southpoint… what?? oh yeah – see how fast the hate and anger and general bitterness shows up? The sun hasn’t even stopped making our front doorway a wonderful collection of reds and pinks, and already I’m all vitriol and spoiling for a fight I’m sure I could win, and will probably lose.
I guess it’s that no matter how high I can and do lift during the sunshine, it all comes crashing back down during the darkness.
But – and an important but – I’m wanting to lift even higher on days like this, to hold and lift above the shit and pain and hopelessness my friends and family, so that they don’t have to suffer. Mel doesn’t want to be in florida right now, but damn it Bear, she wouldn’t be anywhere else. Help soother her psyche if you can. Shayne’s gonna find out just how amazing his friends and family are, and that’s all fucking great, but shit – why couldn’t he just climb to the top the way he was – swinging with his heart and mind and doing just fine? Does he really need a new challenge?
Family dinner was good and fine and just really ok, but I miss ya ma. I’m ok with being over the loss of you, but when it manages to crack my oh so softening shell of toughness, right to the heart it goes and I can’t call ya to say hi and that I made it back ok. and that just sucks.
Maybe that’s how the days can be so bright, cause somewhere out there is all the energy and love of those who aren’t here sharing their love and happiness.
still here? still reading? how odd…
here’s a pretty picture, a reward for getting this far –
I find the ocean amazingly powerful – makes me happier, calmer, more soothed … someday I’ll read some Hemingway, eh?
well, wow – I like it when this happens, I feel ashamed that I crack and share, I feel bad that I’m not tougher … but don’t I know that I’m just along for the ride?
Well, I’ll try to post and share and give … and I know … what? what the fuck do I know? Oh, yeah – Zep has some amazing songs.
to all who’ve been with me along the way – equal parts thanks, and sorry.
as my friend Declan says – Namaste
~ S ~ || dona nobis pacem ||