January||Odd: when you look at things, you have to be willing to see what’s there

Hello mr. 2011 – 5 years ago

Seeing is powerful. Perhaps why I like photos so much – you can look and look and look…

Finding love in a snapshot can be easy.

family preparations in Loggieland, circa Dec 2010

Finding beauty in a snapshot can be both easy and hard.

well, ugliest butterfly ever, but a pretty butter-wolf! MOLS, circa Summer ’08

Finding humor, on the other hand…

run, run for your life … circa Dec ’10

… that sometimes takes a story to be told.

Can you see a story? Can you see the truth? Can you see the facts?

This looks lovely –

why howdy Los Angeles, how are you back in spring of ’02?

but it came from this place …

Hill-house became hell-house …

a place that Boo and I don’t speak of often, because it’s behind us. We had a time here, and it was a difficult time.

What did people see when they saw us there? What did people say to Boo about how I was acting? Did anyone see or notice? Did anyone care to know?

halloween ’02, a gathering of equals

See, this place was a challenge to my ability to control my ‘life’ – in that we had roommates, I tried to be kind & thoughtful; others were not up to my level on those things.
I asked for a simple action – not in the house – prefer not to have my shit seized by the cops. ‘no problem’ I heard.
I have no idea what was going on when 300 people had a party, but I know they trampled the garden Boo had planted. I know I drove to Oxnard to see the ocean instead of being at my house.
I know I took actions – and I can share the reasons; but here’s the rub – I was a total asshole about it all. I couldn’t bend – why should I? I was being an adult, wasn’t I?

sigh …

so long ago – such a different person, such a different place in my life.

Oct ’02 – she looks happy. That’s what I see.

What I know now, perhaps she wasn’t so happy – certainly not with me. I’m really glad she had good peeps in her life, really glad she has good peeps in her life now.

Seeing something. Is the picture the shorthand? I mean, some things don’t change, and that’s really really good.

Boo takes comfort with Gustopher, circa spring ’10

{11:46a + 7Jan16 = Thursday mid day || John at KEXP streams Concrete Blonde’s Tomorrow, Wendy, from Bloodletting released in 1990 by I.R.S. Records}

Other times things change – change did happened in LA. We ended up at LexHaus, where – sadly, honestly – adventures in assholery continued. Ask me about broken wrist sometime. Or how I loved the FedEx peeps. Or the recording studio peeps. Sigh.

Can I look at things and see – honestly – what’s there? Can I assess what is there honestly? I smile, so I look happy; but I don’t want to weigh what I weigh. Past few nights strolling with Hali around the block has me looking …

does that mean a size ’40’ ‘Tight’? ’cause yeah, that would be correct 🙂

…good? happier? alive? – all that is good, and I don’t have a picture to look at, but I see it if I honestly think about it. That’s a step in the right direction, I hope.

Which continues our stroll in this direction – how to help my friends when they need help.

How to help others see the honest facts that my friends are facing, coping with as well as they can. How to be (or become) the person I want to be, which is someone who stands with their friends when shit happens, even when it gets bad. Stands with them because they’re worth standing with.

They’re not evil.They’re doing the best they can in harsh/toxic environs and when they point out the challenge, they’ve been harangued. That’s fucked up.

When faced with certain conventional wisdom – such as ‘do it for the kids’ – it’s easy to understand the focus. It’s the kids – not the adults, right? When commanded to do what’s “in the best interest of the child” that should be simple enough.
Happy, healthy, well-adjusted, safe and secure.
Concepts where there’s both basic and intricate understanding of what those word mean, what concepts those words are short-hand for.

How do you stay involved and demanding when the situation is total and complete crap?

days when Boo rode to work … circa summer ’10

When you can’t cut and run, what the hell do you do? What the hell do you do to share the other side?

ah fuck – this is the actual point – how do you stop the abuse if you are pressured to remain silent?
fuck…

Can you understand that, sometimes, unless you look really hard, you might not see that at times life can be harsh, and when people cry it may be because they’re actually in pain; pain & suffering caused by the actions of a specific person? Can’t we call that shit out?

“Therapy doesn’t work unless the abuser wants to change. They don’t want to change which is the reason you left them in the first place.“

It’s all a fucked up place where we end up with this hell of a phrase – “pseudo-marriage from hell” 

which frankly is spot on.

Of course, then there’s the issue of “family” in harsh situations, eh?

Brothers, 3 of 5, filled with … family connection. spring 2010

Pain and suffering is hidden on instinct. That’s a shitty instinct, but understandable.

Look and see.
Be honest.
Not shaming, but … providing context.

I have this echoey thought that the good folks who stand with/against the protesters at Planned Parenthood are doing it right. Can’t quite figure out the process when it’s more specific, more personalized, but that’s what I’m working towards.

fancy dining for a fancy man. WaDuke high tea with friends, circa spring ’12

We’ll put on our adult clothes, we’ll have an adult meal, and we’ll deal with mean people who abuse my friends in an adult-like manner, eh?