quiet reflections, quiet tears…

The pic I snapped is non-specific.

3 years ago.

My sisters and I went out and had a regular lunch – seems to me it was a greek joint, and there were greek hot dogs involved – but hey, that’s just one guy’s memory.

My mom’s life was filled with adventures and oddness, loving family and trying times, just like everyone’s really. I’m somewhat focused, fixated probably  a better word, on how ordinary things were that day.

Playing her music I thought she’d like (dolly parton, really? cool…), taking our turns by her bedside, the fine staff at the hospital. Do I block out the hospital – the fact that it – they – are not buildings that bode well? Mom’s trials and tribulations over the years with them seemed to have dampened my mistrust of them, and the cool crisp fall day in upstate new york wasn’t any more or less special.

Just like our lunch.

hard to see, but a frost has covered these gorgeous flowers … harsh + beauty – some how very very fitting for that morning…

Huh – why do I share this pic – is it because the ones of mom in the hosptial bed hurt too much? I’d have to say it’s because I see beauty here. Beauty is what the world needs more of … so here’s a little to help the world out!

From my ‘historical records’ I also have a picture a butterfly on the lawn of the Becky’s House. Nature’s original phoenix, eh?

Wendy wasn’t there with us in person. She’s often off to the side – misfortunes of life and family – I worry about her a lot, and hope she knows we all hurt and we all love ….

I don’t miss mom as much as I did. I still smile when I look up and see her ‘ball’ sitting on a shelf in our living room – think I’ll carry her on my adventure this weekend – show her the joys of Interstate 81 in PA!!.

I think I understand, just a little bit, that …. she’s with me in my heart all the time. Well – I knew that before, but I think I’m able to breathe a little easier, knowing that I’m still standing, that blood is still standing (and is very zen!), that shari – wow – how the hell she does it is anyone’s guess – she’s still standing and fighting, as is wendy. We all stand, surprising at least myself from back then, who had bets on complete disintegration.

Love ya ma. Miss your calls, miss your smile, miss you like crazy. Thanks for all you did for me, and for all of us.

scott