seems there’s a barrier to consciousness into my mind, even in February

I keep looking up, keep looking for the light, do I see what I need to see? Feb ’16

So. My dad. I think of him when I see the picture on my work desk.
Or when it ricochets in my brain-pan that … he’s hurt.
In the hospital.
How the fuck do I deal with this? Do I send… flowers? Why? Candy is a no go apparently. Pictures? Which one – he’s … not as … he’s suffering dementia and probably doesn’t recall me.
fuck.

go straight to hell boy John plays, followed by M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes” …
Ok, I made it to hell. now what?

9:56a – Johnny Cash – Look At Them Beans … loving ode to his pops. damn.

I keep thinking – is it I haven’t shared what I’ve done, who I’ve become with Dad?
Is it I didn’t listen to who he is, what he’s done?

I’m looking for a photo that sums up the feels I’m having – not finding much…

All the pics I see – perhaps that’s where he’s at.
My goodness, which I dismissively offer as “My mom raised me well” – but I was raised well by both my mom and dad.
My being a good friend. My wanting to help. My willingness to serve. My lack of … greed. (avarice? hmm…)
What does it mean to be a Wallace boy?
fuck…

He has supported me always.
Probably more actively – the scouting, the camping.
Huh …

All the pictures through the years – huh… it’s gotten – bad.
No smiles for boo
huh.

I never told him about this place…

just a clearing in the woods … er, 1990?

or about this group

we do magic… or so we claimed

He never really asked – but … damn.

Missed opportunities. That’s the issue. It sucks.

and John R. plays One, covered by Johnny Cash …
One love, one blood
One life, you’ve got to do what you should
One life with each other: sisters, brothers
One life, but we’re not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other

One
One

fuck.

{8:43a + 26Feb2016 = Friday morning || “Because it’s so nice outside / And I like the way the sun feels” on KEXP, Daughter sings “Doing The Right Thing”}