odd how even in august I can’t put together a string…
2018-08-29
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| the clear blue sky above my head – eek! – aug ’18, hobbit house |
I’m sorry I haven’t spoken with you lately friend.
//do I leave what I wrote below? do I share? do I hide it out of …
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| the clear blue sky… well. pretty, eh? – aug’18, durhamtown |
this is typed after the crafted heap of steamin’ below – it’s when I’m coming down from the engagement, the feeling of cold white heat of focus fading… room temperature returning. Why on earth would I put this out? gah – damned if you do damned if you don’t eh?
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| the clear .. ah what the hell. the skies are not necissarily clear and blue, if you haven’t noticed. aug’18 durhamtown |
hmmmm…. is it catharsis that I spill and don’t want to show the mess? is it my sense of decorum? is it my shame? or is it guilt? there was a discussion of those two feels in a book I was reading the other week. sigh.
how about one more pic, and then you can move onto something … else.
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| below us only the entire world, hidden from our senses – aug ’18, chapelhilltown |
I’d tell you over the phone but I’d rather maintain the artifice of doing alright, making it through – you don’t want to hear the despair in my voice, the truthful description of how much I loath myself and fear for the near/permanent future, do you?
I’m in a hate spiral because as much as I have the ONLY reason to change my life – have you seen my kid? he’s kinda cute – I’ve only maintained. and it turns out I’m maintaining a sinking into oblivion/abyss/hopelessness.
Thankfully it’s compounded by my love who is herself deep into self-torture, doubting all the choices made, like myself. angry at the inaction of her spouse, like myself. frustrated and depressed and lost.
All the while having these super-nova-esque interactions with Rumbly that leaves me/her/us in awe.
Forget who railed, comedicaly, on the loss of our adjectives – “dude, this sandwich is awesome!” means perhaps watching a solar eclipse while holding your 6mo is … just as awesome? As awesome as a BOGO on that sammy? Hmmm…
But – I digress. I choose to change the subject – let’s laugh at something that is – I hope, I’m pretty sure – intrinsically funny/ironic/amusing. Awesome – what should we hold out for when using that phrase? Parker & Otis’ (fancy words for grilled ham & cheese – pretty sure two of the words are French) sammy was – in my opinion – the best damn sandwich I’ve ever had. I offer that opinion after having it twice – once could be luck, twice confirmed my suspicion that I had actually had the best meal in hand in my life. It was awe-inspiringly good.
But my kid – oh, my kid.
I don’t speak or share much of his wonderfulness do I?
I wish I was better at that – it’s near the top of an impossibly long list of things I wish I was better at.
ha – the reason I am here writing this is because I looked at the calendar behind Rumbly’s head this morning and noted that, as I had poured my heart and soul into being the ‘keeper of the dates’ I’ve let that go. happy anniv M&J-A – I was gonna find a pic of the balloon over the mountain and say how much I’m happy thinking of the love you two have, and that the two wee ones are going to be amazing people if only for the love they are being raised in.
I mean – it’s what I truly think – I’m happy for you, I’m happy to be in the sphere of y’alls life and love. & I couldn’t put in the 15 minutes to accomplish that. I was distracted by a YouTube series on a young teleporting teenager in upstate new york (impulse, iyc) – and almost every other moment I hated on myself since I wasn’t doing what need to be done.
Get a job. Pay my bills. Figure out going forward in a secure manner.
Oh, it was also my mother-in-law’s birthday yesterday. Pretty sure Ed’s too.
and all I can do is bob among the flotsam and jetsam of this marsh I’ve wandered into.
fuck.
I need help. That is clearly obvious to anyone who glances my way.
But I’m not good at asking or taking help – note the ‘why bother the kind wonderful peeps who’ve somehow befriended me? we’ll talk in generalities, in pleasantries… it’s the nice thing to do’ – there’s a few psychological notes on why I find myself in this pickle. Overly-conscientious was the phrase that intro’d me into a critical assessment of my ‘niceness’ – thank goodness I jumped on that challenge in my teens, right? would hate to make it far into life with a somewhat skewed moral compass. But alas, we don’t always get to see where we’re going until we get there.
and here I am.
which would be totally fine.
Except for him. He’s soooo cool.
He’s uninsured.
His birth hasn’t been payed down at all.
He’s gonna be 18mo in a bit.
what the fuck am I doing?
hey – if you’ve read this far and have an answer to that let me know, ok?
If you have a lead on employment that pays big cash and requires upto and including moving dead bodies, let me know, alright?
I’m sorry you’re reading this. It’s not ‘nice’. It’s not ‘good’. It’s really really shitty, but for some god damn reason I hold onto these boulders of shit with all my might and I don’t know why, I don’t know how to let go without running away (for those longtime audience members y’all may remember on how well I do that, eh?)
fuck
fuck
fuck
I listen often to a good sir John, a DJ at the small community station keXp in seattle-town.
He often reminds people that “you are not alone” – that is a truth that I whole-heartedly support. whole heartedly believe.
but…
here’s the thing.
in the dark, in the deep deep cruel corners of your mind that the yappy dogs drag you back to at 3 in the morning – then – we’re all alone. Well, we’re in the company of some very very shitty people, oddly people you do and don’t know.
but alone.
and it’s a struggle – I don’t recall the veracity of this fight in my youth – I recall the company of my demons, but alas…
well, if we had a time machine eh? boy howdy would things be differently the same, I suspect.
Ok.
well, glad I got this off my chest.
rumbly leans against the wall/fencing of his octo-crib here in the living room.
it’s not where I want him to be.
hell – I still don’t know why I’m allowed to have him in my life.
//9:22a & john offers PJ’s ‘we float’ as part of the soundtrack to the universe – ever notice the lyrics are about YOU right NOW?? amazing!//
ciao,
:: s :: | Respice ad diem hanc |
//8:57a+29Aug2018 = Wednesday morn || the pleasing narrator & cast of the adventures of young ms. S. and her sassy waterfowl!||