Current Mood: nostalgic?
Current Music: U2- Your blue room / The Mountain Goats – Going to Georgia
11:18 pm + 11Jun2012 = Monday eve
Hey there. How’s it going?
so much to maybe type here- like ‘here’s to your dad Bob. our hearts and love go out to you’ – though I suspect Blood will compose a much more thoughtful reflection in the weeks to come.
How about a nod to the powers of the universe, and a hello to Baby J – may Viv and Rachael have years of too damn much happiness in front of them. Or a tip to the oh so normal and yet fantastic update on Baby Izzy. or a ‘happy 3 months’ to Lily? or a Mazel tov to Lis and David for their start down the path to marital bliss they started this past Saturday over next to the butterfly house? Lot of things to note from right now… yet my focus has drifted back to ’08.
Sitting here in a very loud space (earphones in, blasting Winamp on my Android evoShift to block out Boo chatting with Sarah – yay for them, yay for me) … been copying over posts from my LiveJournal account (remember those?) to my blogger account. Copy and paste, copy and paste, scroll through the years to get back to 2008 on the blogger screen, laugh and shake my head at photos from a long long time ago.
then there’s a little pic of my ma, next to the NYPD sign in New Hartford, so happy to be taking the family out for a slice or two of some gluten free pie!
A fairly crappy pic, poorly framed, my mom’s too far away in the distance… but kinda still really powerful.
I’ve been feeling really good for a while now, and these posts from the past show my wide dynamic range from glee to joy to surliness … but I have this mental spot in my head where things aren’t shiny, aren’t happy, aren’t good.
happy shiny baby pick as a warning – dark monsters of ‘what the hell….’ lay beyond and below, turn back now while you have a chance…
Really, kinda mean it – I’m re-reading here and you should just click thru to 2008 and laugh and laugh and laugh. I’m fine, all is very very well, but to counterbalance that truth I have looked over my shoulder and ponder for a few.
no – really…
(stupid blogger – can’t put in a jump cut like I want… sigh)
++ ++ ++
why am I even looking into the darkness?
because I am no longer there…
but shouldn’t I fear calling its name?
was it my soaking in the sonic goodness and weight that is John Darnielle?
###
the world shines as I cross the Macon county line going to Georgia
most remarkable thing about you … standing in the doorway is that it’s you standing in the doorway
and you smile when you ease the gun from my hand, and I’m frozen with joy right where I stand
the world throws it’s light underneath you hair, 40 miles from Atlanta this is no where
going to Georgia …
###
a lot of time spent listening feeling sweeping away into the soul the heart of others and their words that touched my psyche… with the swipe of a finger the stabbing of a thumb I go somewhere else, not so close, but so much more … something.
Gap ad – fall 2001 – Supertramp – give a little bit of my love to you … those were dark and scary times I don’t know how i got through – do you? give a little bit, give a little bit of my life for you…
tunes. melodies, beats to march along to, to skip along to, to make tracks to be somewhere else – is that how I’m better now? settled? here where I am, and ok with it? hmmm…
in august 2008 I was ‘hangin’ in upstate’ … thankful. flying. unrealizing that the time I had was going to go away.
the photos show my life is in constant rerun, though I know that’s not true. but the places, the touchstones of my life – visit upstate, take part of the well worn path into the flood-waters, eat our way through, it’s what we’ve done. be with the people, while we are being. take food, be it gluten free pizza with mom, Voss’ with the 1 trinity crew (and Seattle-ites), sitting with family in family spaces. lots of at rest, not in motion – i was the motion one, I guess…
smiles – genuine smiles to be happy for the visit and the being and the sitting – but happy for this moment? I have no idea… was I happy?
awkward moments pile upon one another, the visits that weren’t as easy to pull off – the actions that were hard weren’t taken, the easy ones for me causing chaos those were the ones I took, because … why? I have no idea – I thought it was me caring and giving perhaps? what I’d want?
// u2 – running to stand still // – a tune that reaches to me, to a story line I never ever even got close to, but the human condition is within my grasp, right? am I running to stand still? or standing still hoping to be running? oh you cunning man, bono!
the darkness in the night I was never out in – the darkness was my own creation deep in my soul, surrounding my heart with fear and doubt…
sweet the sin, but bitter the taste in my mouth…
only see one way out –
cry w/o weeping, talk w/o speaking, scream w/o raising your voice…
ha ha ha
I did only follow one way – rigid, concrete way I choose and followed and when choices arose I flailed.
storms blow up in our eyes says bono, stormy eyes. stormy hearts. stormy minds. How’s the weather up there? mary love taught me to ask…
‘still running still running still running…’ oh how I’d love a GPS map of my soul and psyche through the universe of true – what was my catch phrase – ever onward, sometimes forward? hah
swimming in the currents of my emotions, against the rip tides of doom and sadness, across the smooth glassy waters of peace and joy and happiness, into the choppy waters of despair. try not to flail…
\the Unforgiven – All Is Quiet on the Western Front – ah, 1986 – dark dark bicycle rides up and down the hills of P.O.M. … adrift without a focus or positive purpose. On my own and flailing – such a lovely memory… but I had wheels, and I had music. and the Unforgiven had a 5 guitars attack – holy shit! and I sadly just missed their reunion out Cali way in April… sigh…
More tunes everyone should hear, but only grace my memory space. sigh again.
who the fuck am I? wow…
and good night my sweet demons of doubt and desparation – sleep long and well with many many happy thoughts and dreams. these storms shall pass on, sunnier days lay ahead… directly above actually.
//1:13am + 12Jun2012 = tuesday morning//