Scott Hearts Scott month – that’s what my cohorts in this non-criminal enterprise have tagged it.
The day started with a somewhat yummy breakfast – eggs and bagel, then a kind and thoughtful memento to indicate the start of the ‘new me’ – paraphrased, the note reminded me to show the love and generosity I typically have for others to myself this month. perhaps easier written then done, but it is a wonderful sentiment.
Off to the office, where I switched up how things have been (sitting at my desk, lights on in the office) to see if i can find little momentum there. Stayed in and had some soup and a banana for lunch, thus not going to Wendy’s as I have been for a while. Then a short stroll around the ‘campus’ in the mid afternoon to make sure I’m not just thinking about the things I need to be doing – but actually doing them. Actually doing them – that’s what I have to remember.
As a start to an ‘experimental’ phase I have to say not too bad. ‘experimental’ in that I’m not sure what I’m trying to do EXACTLY – just that I have to change things or else end up no further along the path to my own private Idaho; and frankly I’ve been not making any progress for far too many years. Probably cause I didn’t realize I wanted my own private Idaho, but that’s not the point.
How far along this path – bringing my future into focus, reigning in my burning need to buy stuff, making my family and friends realize how much they mean to me – though I could be daunted by the amount of forwardness I am hoping to get to, I’m not. It’s not like I’ve landed in Tokyo with no means of survival – I’m just trying to get back to where I’ve been before. Letters to people, telling them the current chapter of my story. Spending part of my awakedness being physically active (274 on the scale this morning – I’m sure there’s something amiss – perhaps fresh batteries? yeah… that’s what it needs…) – embracing the fact that the money in my pocket is the money I have to spend. yeah things will be a bit challenging at first – getting out of your rut always is challenging. focusing on what I want though should be all the motivation I need.
I want things to be better – not perfect – that’s a fools errand, but better. where I have 400 in savings, have 500. where there are some dirty and some clean dishes/laundry, have more clean and less dirty; where I have crap all over the place, centralize it, and then visit and sift through it – it’s why we have all this space to begin with – otherwise I can just try to get back to my first apartment in LA – someone’s back porch they converted to TWO apartments – i got the one without the kitchenette!! but it was all i needed – simple life of riding to my Merrill Lynch gig, riding to see movies in Pasadena, then hanging out with amiga Alex – all quite fun and enjoyable just not sooooooo complex.
Head up, eyes clear and looking forward, one step at a time towards what I want. Happiness and freedom from stupid shit – debt and worries. Got all the time in my life to succeed at this, right?
step one – smile.
ciao,
~ S ~ || dona nobis pacem ||
Hey, brother. I am proud of you. Sounds like you have taken "the first hard step" towards "fixin'" yourself. I really want you around for a long time. If for no other reason than to irritate me on occassion…haha. I love ya.