It’s past the fun time of 11:11 on the clocks, the day had its ups and downs. Kiddo got tuckered out from Boo being amazing and having some playground time – yay boo, yay kiddo.
I don’t know how to feel, what to think about the times we’re living through – my innate outrage is tempered by sleep dep and perhaps a very tiny dose of wisdom? I look to the fact that we’re still here, still getting through this. But it’s this strange sense of the entirety of the problem – when I’ve wrestled with my personal demons just being ornery (that, and time. oh the sweet sweet healing ability of time…) was sufficient; that and of course the love and support of friends and loved ones. But nowadays … I mean, Sean and I had the longest conversation I’ve had with a ‘new’ person since … well, since March. It’s all ‘normal’, and all un-normal, and when I think ‘just power through like you’ve done before’ I realize … uh, nope. gonna need a bigger plan than that.
I’ve been very very lucky through my lifetimes. and I’m grateful. But as the fan and the shit get closer and closer I’m left with a very blank list on my ‘to do to make it better’ list – though I did have joy with the postcards sent off the keXp for the Good Mail Day theme they had this week – so… but that’s not being in the thick of it. Perhaps that point in my life is past, just as the Berlin Wall is in my past. Just … don’t know.
A year ago the kiddo was playing with toy cars, and today he’s still having fun with things on wheels. 10 years ago a group of us took part in a rally to restore sanity – a very good outing, but seemingly not as successful as we’d like. 30 years ago I drove through East Germany, a communist country in the grip of the Soviet Union; terrified boys playing war games that, as Roger once noted, were the thinking of those who had the ‘bravery of being out of range’ – boys and their toys, right? Playground bullies the lot of them. But look at us now and tell me – where did we go wrong? What should I have done? It’s not fear I’m collecting for my son’s future – it’s the bafflement of the ignorant, the impossible to suss logic of what has befallen us. Perhaps I’m too simple to comprehend what drives the men who are driving me mad. Perhaps that’s the true game – how to stay sane in an increasingly insane world. tune in and find out!
Oh, and a radio flyer! Can’t forget the young lad’s wagon, can we?
Perhaps a complicating factor in my inability to find a path I’d like to commit to is that my son is Jewish. My privilege has shielded me from needing to know the actual pains suffered by real people at the hands of flesh and blood monsters. My privilege has kept me from having the years of pondering that allows my other strongly held beliefs to be based on sound and solid truth. I can’t even say things like ‘his life will be in mortal danger if the fascists have their way’ because, … as I’ve just allowed to solidify – I’ve never been in mortal danger for just being ‘me’ – it’s eyeopening to try and see the game layout where me and mine just may be in danger. Harder still in these chaotic times to be stuck with the thoughts and pondering in only my head; Boo knows what the truth is – ask her about the lovely earrings she got for her bat-mitzvah (hint, they were in the shape of crosses; a well intention-ed attempt at a kindness from someone – like me for so many of my years – who just didn’t know). I’m certain this particular intricate fact has added to my umbrage over these past few months.
For a really hearty non sequitur I offer you this. Good soul Sean descended unto the crawl space purgatory and returned with only a bit of the ol’ black lung cough. Wish him well as he treks to the Forge of Pigeons this weekend, it not being New Orleans, alas. Bon voyage, he seems decent enough, if also a State guy.
//4:26p+23Sep2020= Wednesday afternoon || “Universal Want” from the Doves on keXp’s The Morning Show with good soul John (though running thru archive power as i compose this)//